Are You Hot?

Dear Wynne,
I think that I need to tell my husband about my crush on a certain actor. He's always telling me about who he thinks is hot. Like the other day, he reminded me that Carrie Underwood was looking good in that video of hers. Should I take it as an insult? Or should I really tell him that I think Robert Pattinson is dreamy? I've mentioned stuff like that before and he's always gotten angry.

Seeking Equality
Nashville, TN

Dear Equality,
Yes, Carrie has fans. Yes Robert has fans. If you think your husband's going to go all ninja on you for thinking some Twilight guy is hot, then you've got more to worry about than not. Remind him of the fact that Carrie is hot in his world and that he can dream on if he thinks he's gonna get it on with her. And if he still argues with you, let him know that he can dream on getting it on with you.

Wynne

P.S. Is there a Twilight obsession around here lately?

What not to ask your date

Dear Wynne,
Whenever I go on a first date I always find myself so nervous and backed-up internally that I must pass gas to relieve the stress and um...pressure. On several occasions I have let one rip but managed to maintain a sense of normalcy. In a restaurant there are usually enough other smells floating around to mask my, um...odor. But more often than not the woman notices and asks me point blank if I just farted. Sometimes I lie but sometimes I ask her if she farts. Not just in public, but ever. The question usually gets laughed off and swept under the rug and the date continues. However, when I call the woman for a 2nd date my messages are never returned. What am I doing wrong?

Baffled by Women
Centerbrook, CT


Dear Baffled,
While on your date, did you mention to the woman that the dress she wore made her butt look big? Did you tell her she wore too much make-up and look like a whore? If you answered yes to either of those questions I'm amazed at all that you could find a woman to go out with you once. I bet you're bald and have a unibrow too.

Wynne

Costume Problems

Dear Wynne,

My girlfriend wants me to dress up with her for Halloween. I haven't dressed up for Halloween for a long time and don't really care about it. We've only been dating a few months and want to take our relationship slow after being hurt by my past three girlfriends. I really am not into couple things yet, we haven't even done it yet. What do I tell her not to hurt her feelings?

Not Yet Ready
Calabasas, CA

Dear Not Yet,

Can you say 'yet' anymore dude? I mean, seriously if you want to do it eventually, then get in the Raggedy Andy outfit and quit your whining. If you don't, quit saying yet or she'll be saying "this relationship isn't over, yet."

Wynne

Cult Courting

Dear Wynne,
I'm dating this girl who insists that if I want our relationship to progress I must attend church with her. Most people probably don't have any qualms with making this type of sacrifice, but my girlfriend does not belong to a mainstream religion. In fact, I would categorize it more closer to a cult. I did go to one "service" and was practically publicly ousted in front of the entire group for not participating in their rituals. They don't sacrifice animals or anything that heinous, but I'm not comfortable joining-in in something I do not agree with. What should I do? I really like this girl.

Not in a Cult
Rigby, ID


Dear Cult,
A couple things first - you did not say how long you have been seeing this girl and what beliefs, if any, you cherish. So, if it's a new relationship lose the girl. I'm sure you can find someone with whom you are a bit more compatible. If you've been with the girlfriend for a while now, why the hell has this not been an issue before? Something must have snapped. Perhaps you should make your own ultimatum, or maybe even make-up your own religion for her to adhere to. Let's see how well that blows over.

Wynne

Figaro

Dear Wynne,
My wife wants me to take her to an opera this Sunday and I really don't want to go. How do I get out of it?

Bored to Tears
Pueblo, CO

Dear Bored,
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Oh, yeah, what? Opera? Doesn't she realize that it's football and world series season? Does she not understand that the basketball preseason has begun? No? Does your cell have internet? Most guys would probably be checking updates for the latest scores and probably texting their friends. If not, bring your Mp3 player and listen to some 311 or All-American Rejects. Even 80s music may be preferred to you. Or, you could try to be sensitive and pay attention to the opera. That's probably what a man would've done in the 17th century. Too old school for you?

Wynne

Welcome to the Birdcage

Dear Wynne,
Yesterday I forgot to grab my lunch on my way to the office. I don't work far from home, so on my first available break I drove home to get it. When I got home I was shocked to hear music playing loudly and made out the sound of my husband's off-key voice. My first thought was "Why the hell is my husband home when he too should be at work?" I turned into the living room and saw my husband in full drag, dancing and singing to a Beyonce music video. By full drag I mean, thong, mini-skirt, mid-drift, push-up bra, fish net stockings, high heels, and of course...a blond wig. I was so flabbergasted I stumbled over my words, and ran back out to my car (leaving my lunch still on the kitchen counter). What do I do now? I am beyond shocked at my husband' behavior/fetish and, honestly am very disgusted. What should I do???

Married to a Mystery
Sioux Falls, SD


Dear Married,
I'd say embrace the new found side of your husband. Not only do you have a man you love living with you, but you have also just acquired a new gal pal. Time to plan a spa day and some shopping!

Wynne

Trees

Dear Wynne,
My friend wants me to join her on this "I Love Nature" expedition, or whatever the thing is called. It sounds like a bunch of tree hugger stuff that really bugs me. I'm not anti-environment, but I don't see a reason to go out of my way to save the environment. I'm not a believer in global warming. I don't understand the whole 'going green' thing. But I really like this girl and want to impress her. But going on this expedition sounds like the Green Party's way of 'spreading the green word' to more environmental enthusiasts. Should I even bother?

Not Willing to Hug a Tree
Alameda, CA

Dear Not Willing,
I think you've answered this question yourself. Sounds like you need to just say, "Hey, I really like you, but I don't intend to be a tree hugger, ever. And you're never going to convert me to it either." If she leaves you, good riddance. Bleh!

Wynne

Danger Zone

Dear Wynne,
My 14-year old son wants to play high school football next year. He's got some older friends who play for our local team, but I'm afraid he'll get hurt. One of his friends came home from practice with a broken ankle one day. This boy's mom is going to let her son play again next year. That's ridiculous. I've heard stories of kids dying and getting reconstructive knee surgery all through the news. And my son still wants to play. How do I get him to not want to play?

Worrying Mother
De Soto, TX

Dear Mom,
Yeah, I'll just call you 'Mom'. First of all. Nagging him will only make him want to play more. Duh! Also, what's wrong with you? You're like the person who reads the warning label on a bottle of Tylenol and says, "Oh no, I'm going to get all these side effects taking these." Seriously, those stories are few and far between. If you look at the number of high schools have a football team in America and the number of teenage boys playing football, you will discover that the likelihood that your son ends up with a broken shoulder or something is a lot lower than you are worrying about. If it's your boy's dream to play, let him play. What if your mom said, "I don't want you to be a mom. I think it's the worst decision for you ever. Babies cry, poop, and worry you like crazy. It's not something you should do"? Would you still have done it? More moms out there need to answer that question more often.

Wynne

More Parents In The Way

Dear Wynne,
My parents have always been wonderful. My dad was a lawyer and provided well for me and my siblings. My mom was very doting and has great admiration for her son-in-law and daughter-in-law. The problem is that I'm the youngest and my mom doesn't approve of my girlfriend, someone I'd like to marry. She says, "My son deserves better than her." The thing is, my girlfriend comes from a small town and her mom and dad both worked hard all their lives. I admire my girlfriend's worth ethic. She's been a nanny for the last few years for a neighbor and my mom looks at her as if she's the help. The truth is, that my mother ignores, is that my girlfriend is going to school to become a doctor, an M.D. at that. Should I listen to my mom and leave my girlfriend for someone my mom approves of?

In Love With The Supposed Wrong Girl
New Britain, CT

Dear In Love,
First of all, couldn't you come up with a better name than that to sign for me? Seriously? Are you like Paul Rudd in that one movie? Oversensitive. Oh, your question. What should you tell Mom? Tell her to mind her (all expletives preferred) business. Tell her that wealth and fortune mean nothing, especially in this 21st century. Ask her if she grew up with all the money in the world. And if money matters to her, show her a chart with your girlfriend's earning potentials. Perhaps the dollars would make more sense for her. If your mom convinces you to leave your girlfriend then apparently you need a backbone, a reality check, and the silver spoon taken out of your mouth.

Wynne

Baby Names

Dear Wynne,
My wife and I are expecting our first child. She keeps coming up with these obscure names like those that celebrities give their poor children. I always make fun of those poor kids and don't want my kid to have that ridiculous stigma.

Concerned Papa-to-be
Centerville, FL

Dear Concerned,
First of all, this is karma's way of saying "Bwahahahahahahaha!" Those poor children already have enough to worry about. Now, when it comes to your own kids. If your wife wants to name them something ridiculously outlandish maybe you should try and find an even more out-there name that she would absolute hate and make her really worry about who's raising her child. Let's see, food items should accomplish this. Like: Beef Jerky, Jelly Doughnut, Peanut Butter, Margarine, or Ho-ho. That last one is sure to do the trick.

Wynne

Life Ruining Jerks

Dear Wynne,
I've been dealing with a lot of depression lately. My husband left me for another woman who he'd been cheating with for a few months before our separation. I'm just feeling alone. I really shouldn't feel like this at 25. Really, sometimes I just want to die. Any words of advice?

Down and Out
Bellevue, WA

Dear Down,
Any words of advice? No. Any words of encouragement? Probably not. Any words to make your day? Maybe...let's see. Obviously your husband is some floosey chasin' jerk that deserves a divorce every five years for being a flat out jerk and giving the entire male race a bad name. Be happy that your ex-husband will never be satisfied with life. He'll be one of those perverted 60 year olds that thinks he can get any 20-something sweater he wants. More than likely, by that time you'll be happy at that time. I give you full permission to start pointing and laughing at him. And when you are married and have your first child, make sure you run into your ex-mother-in-law somewhere so she can see that she raised her son poorly. Then she'll get to yell in his ear, "Did you know that your ex has the cutest baby I've ever seen? Why is it all you do is get divorces? You've got the biggest collection of them and not one child!" That sounds so sweet to my ear.

Wynne

Blogging Rights

Dear Wynne,
My mother has created a blog concerning whatever is going on in her life, along with the lives of her four children. We're all adults and she all wants us to post something weekly. She's gotten mad at me and my younger sister for not blogging at all over the past month that this has been going on. Even though I call my mom and let her know what's going on in my life and I tell my sisters everything that's going on in phone calls as well. How do I tell her that I don't care to post what my kids, my husband, and I are doing all the time?

Distraught Daughter
Teays Valley, West Virginia

Dear Distraught,
I'd just post something like, "Kids are alive. Hubby's working. I'm at home drinking myself silly." See if that gets her to stop bugging you. If not, I'd post it in bad grammar and add something about a poolboy.

Wynne

OME!

Dear Wynne,
I'm reading this book, Twilight, and I totally love Edward. But the problem is, my boyfriend, who just so happens to be named Edward, doesn't act in any of the romantic ways that Edward Cullen does towards Bella. What should I do?

Stuck with a Romance Dud
Rapid City, SD


Dear Stuck,
The majority of straight guys have not read that book. The majority of guys don't act like Edward. The majority of guys don't care. Get your nose out of your book and figure out what you like about the Edward you are actually dating. Quit dreaming of Mr. Perfect and realise that Edward Cullen is F-I-C-T-I-O-N-A-L and therefore does not represent any form of human man in reality one iota.

Wynne

Stumped

Dear Wynne,
While doing a genealogy project for school, I discovered that my maternal grandparents are only third cousins. They didn't grow up together, but as a result part of my family tree doesn't branch off the trunk very much. Is this information I should disclose to my fiancee?

Stumped Family Tree
Dublin, CA


Dear Stumped,
Before you get married, perhaps you should do some deeper digging and ensure you are not your fiancee's cousin. You can't do anything about your grandparents, so why not spill the beans? We all come from incest anyway (Adam, Eve...).

Wynne

Splitsville

Dear Wynne,
I don't know what to do, so I'm going to email you and see what you think. I have two awesome job opportunities. One is here in Detroit and the other is just outside of Santa Fe, New Mexico. I like staying here in Detroit and living in my mom's basement. She doesn't want me to go and has threatened that she won't speak to me if I move. Maybe I should have her move with me? I don't know, what do you think?

Split Decision
Detroit, MI


Dear Split,
Do just that, split! If yo' momma is so protective of you that she won't speak to you again, I say good riddance. More than likely though, you're gonna be on the phone with her for the next nine months after moving to Santa Fe. Plus, maybe you can get a girl who doesn't call you her 'ungrateful son' just to get her to do her bidding.

Wynne

Baby Daddy Problems

Dear Wynne,
I've done and gotten myself pregnant again. Now I'll have five kids all with different daddies. The difference this time is I love the guy who knocked me up but I know he's got one or two other women stashed away. How can I get him to stay with me, with our baby and forget those other two hussies?

Ready for love
Corinth, MS


Dear Ready,
1) Get on the pill. 2) Make your man wear a condom. 3) Other two hussies? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Wynne

Cat Crazy

Dear Wynne,
I'm thinking about getting a cat, should I?

Not so crazy about cats
Montgomery, AL


Dear Crazy,
Why oh why would you want to get a cat? They don't have souls and they leave little bits of themselves everywhere they go. Their fur sticks to your clothes, your furniture, your friends clothes. It's disgusting and not very hygienic. Plus, don't even get me started on the bleeding carcasses they bring in from outside! Ugh! I think you should start off with something small, say a goldfish.

Wynne

Dating in Washington

Dear Wynne,
I've been seeing this guy for the last 7 years and he still gets the heebee jeebees when I even try to bring up marriage. A few years ago, he gave me a 'promise ring'. Now he's asking me to move with him from Washington where all my family is to Arizona. Is this a good sign that he wants me around?

Dating in Washington
Washington, DC


Dear Washington,
If you love him, keep him. If you don't, leave him. Ever see the movie "Clue"? Men should be like Kleenex - soft, strong, and disposable.

Wynne

Feeling Used

Dear Wynne,
I think my girlfriend is using me. Yes, I'm a fairly wealthy, average looking bloke, but I think she's with me only for my money. I'm normally not a jealous person, but I see the way guys look at her, and then hear comments about "Why is she with him?" and it makes me uncomfortable. I truly love my girlfriend but am afraid that if I tighten the purse strings she will pull-away and seek "comfort" elsewhere. What should I do?

Feeling Used
Cincinnati, OH


Dear Used,
Your girlfriend goes home with you? Sleeps with you? The sex is good? I'm sorry...what was the problem???

Wynne