What not to ask your date

Dear Wynne,
Whenever I go on a first date I always find myself so nervous and backed-up internally that I must pass gas to relieve the stress and um...pressure. On several occasions I have let one rip but managed to maintain a sense of normalcy. In a restaurant there are usually enough other smells floating around to mask my, um...odor. But more often than not the woman notices and asks me point blank if I just farted. Sometimes I lie but sometimes I ask her if she farts. Not just in public, but ever. The question usually gets laughed off and swept under the rug and the date continues. However, when I call the woman for a 2nd date my messages are never returned. What am I doing wrong?

Baffled by Women
Centerbrook, CT


Dear Baffled,
While on your date, did you mention to the woman that the dress she wore made her butt look big? Did you tell her she wore too much make-up and look like a whore? If you answered yes to either of those questions I'm amazed at all that you could find a woman to go out with you once. I bet you're bald and have a unibrow too.

Wynne