Schoolhouse Blacks & Blues

Dear Wynne,
My 5-year old son was suspended for "fighting" with another kid in his class. This was a first offense and no one was injured. Since when is a school-yard scuffle means for a suspension? What ever happened to sending a kid to the principal's office? When I was in school that was more dreaded than going home to face dad and his belt! Any words of wisdom for when I go let the school know exactly what I think about this situation?

Kindergarten Mom
Wakeeney, KS


Dear Kindergarten,
Did your kid win? Cause if he lost I would keep my mouth shut and take him to some karate classes - he needs to man-up before he enters the first grade. However, if he won, be sure to rip the school board a new one for being lazy asses and not teaching your kid right from wrong. That's their job, you know. Parents don't have any responsibilities these days, so yes, blame the teacher, blame the school, blame the district -- but most importantly blame the other kid. "He started it!! He started it!!!"

Wynne

HR Nazi

Dear Wynne,
My HR manager is a total Nazi. No seriously, when people don't do everything her way, she gets all ticked off and bossy and yells. She's even gone up to people's managers and said that these employees are bad for the company, even though the managers like the employees and so do the other employees. She wouldn't let a breast cancer suffering co-worker of mine take unpaid time off while she was out for surgery. Not like the woman planned on her surgery earlier in the year. The only person not liked around here is HR Nazi. How do we get her to leave?

Forcing Out
Bozeman, MT

Dear Out,
Let's see, there's toss her out a window, but that brings to mind trials and jail time. There's inform this person that no one likes her. But then she may really get you fired for harassment. There's DEAL WITH IT. Everyone has people that they work with that they don't like. I do! Seriously. If she can't convince your boss to fire you then she's lousy as an influential person. Good thing for you too.

Wynne

Not So Funny Funnyman

Dear Wynne,
I'm a very extroverted person, and like you, tend to be very sarcastic. I'm known for being witty and humorous in person, but online it comes across as insulting. I know it's hard to read facial expressions and tones from black on white text (blah blah blah). But what I'm looking for from you is not really advice but a snappy comeback. Whatcha got?

Funnier in Person
Spring, TX


Dear Funnier,
You want me to do what? What am I, your personal comeback specialist?
On that note, I think you need new friends.

Wynne

German

Dear Wynne,
My parents keep pressuring me into taking German this next semester at college. I really don't want to. My grandparents are all from Germany and all speak German. My parents don't and didn't seem to care about it growing up. Should I really listen to them?

Verwirrt
Buffalo, NY

Dear Ver....,
Whatever your name is. If your parents didn't care to learn it why should they make you pay for their 'should-woulda-coulda's? If you don't want to take German, don't take it. Unless you're a linguistics major tell them that you need to be taking less German and more engineering or business or whatever your major is. Check to see if "History of Movies" is available. That sounds more fun. Isn't that what college is for? Fun?

Wynne

Mother-In-Law

Dear Wynne,
My in-laws have been bugging me lately. My mother-in-law insists that she is called Grandmother. My two-year old calls her Nana because he can't quite get Grandmother fully out. He is two. But my mother-in-law acts all offended and has left the room on occasion. What should I do? My mother-in-law wants a good relationship with my son, but can't stand what he calls her.

Annoyed Daughter-In-Law
Hastings, NE

Dear Annoyed,
Perhaps you should say something like, "Either accept what he calls you or have no relationship with your grandson. The choice is yours. I don't choose what he says any more than I can influence the crap spewing from your mouth." That won't start a family war or anything.

Wynne

Shovel, Hammer or Drill?

Dear Wynne,
How come you're such a tool?

Bored
Duluth, MN


Dear Bored,
How come you're even emailing me? Is this like the pot calling the kettle black? I don't care what you think of me. Bugger off!

Wynne

OME!

Dear Wynne,
I'm reading this book, Twilight, and I totally love Edward. But the problem is, my boyfriend, who just so happens to be named Edward, doesn't act in any of the romantic ways that Edward Cullen does towards Bella. What should I do?

Stuck with a Romance Dud
Rapid City, SD


Dear Stuck,
The majority of straight guys have not read that book. The majority of guys don't act like Edward. The majority of guys don't care. Get your nose out of your book and figure out what you like about the Edward you are actually dating. Quit dreaming of Mr. Perfect and realise that Edward Cullen is F-I-C-T-I-O-N-A-L and therefore does not represent any form of human man in reality one iota.

Wynne

Air Pollution

Dear Wynne,
My husband and I get along well. But, everytime he eats, he gets very flatulent. We've tried Bean-o and GasX, none of them work. What should I do?"

Need Fresh Air
Pittsburgh, PA


Dear Need,
Leave the room. Buy a large air freshener can and aim it at his butt. Seriously, if you can't stand it, don't feed him the beans or broccoli.

Wynne

Pregnancy Cravings

Dear Wynne,
I'm pregnant but worry about getting fat. I hate being fat. But I really think the baby wants Oreos. What should I do?

Cookie Fiend
Calgary, AB


Dear Cookie,
Eat the damn Oreos!

Wynne

Stumped

Dear Wynne,
While doing a genealogy project for school, I discovered that my maternal grandparents are only third cousins. They didn't grow up together, but as a result part of my family tree doesn't branch off the trunk very much. Is this information I should disclose to my fiancee?

Stumped Family Tree
Dublin, CA


Dear Stumped,
Before you get married, perhaps you should do some deeper digging and ensure you are not your fiancee's cousin. You can't do anything about your grandparents, so why not spill the beans? We all come from incest anyway (Adam, Eve...).

Wynne

Splitsville

Dear Wynne,
I don't know what to do, so I'm going to email you and see what you think. I have two awesome job opportunities. One is here in Detroit and the other is just outside of Santa Fe, New Mexico. I like staying here in Detroit and living in my mom's basement. She doesn't want me to go and has threatened that she won't speak to me if I move. Maybe I should have her move with me? I don't know, what do you think?

Split Decision
Detroit, MI


Dear Split,
Do just that, split! If yo' momma is so protective of you that she won't speak to you again, I say good riddance. More than likely though, you're gonna be on the phone with her for the next nine months after moving to Santa Fe. Plus, maybe you can get a girl who doesn't call you her 'ungrateful son' just to get her to do her bidding.

Wynne

Baby Daddy Problems

Dear Wynne,
I've done and gotten myself pregnant again. Now I'll have five kids all with different daddies. The difference this time is I love the guy who knocked me up but I know he's got one or two other women stashed away. How can I get him to stay with me, with our baby and forget those other two hussies?

Ready for love
Corinth, MS


Dear Ready,
1) Get on the pill. 2) Make your man wear a condom. 3) Other two hussies? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Wynne

Goth is the new black

Dear Wynne,
I'm thinking about going goth. Not for Halloween. Just because my parents are all up in my business. I can't stand it anymore. I want to do something different. Do you think going goth will get their attention that I'm a strong independent person that can handle life?

Going Goth
Tuscon, AZ


Dear Goth,
Do you want loser friends who just want to do drugs and hate you and everything around you? Sound good? Great! Last time I checked though, the Addams Family wasn't popular anymore.

Wynne

Dirty Gym Fellows

Dear Wynne,
So I've been working out at the gym a lot lately and made friends with a guy there. He's been spotting for me and I've helped him out. Well, the other day, he asked me for a ride home and I said no problem. Well, on the way home, I guess he decided that he didn't want to get his jeans all sweaty and pulled them down so he sat in the car in his boxers on the way home. After he got out, there was a nasty butt stain in my car. How do I tell this guy that I don't like him disrespecting my car and that I don't intend to give him a ride home again?

Dirty Gym Woes
Hurricane, UT

Dear Dirty,
Seriously, who does that?!?!? Next time he asks for a ride your only response should be, "HELL NO!!!!"

Wynne

Cat Crazy

Dear Wynne,
I'm thinking about getting a cat, should I?

Not so crazy about cats
Montgomery, AL


Dear Crazy,
Why oh why would you want to get a cat? They don't have souls and they leave little bits of themselves everywhere they go. Their fur sticks to your clothes, your furniture, your friends clothes. It's disgusting and not very hygienic. Plus, don't even get me started on the bleeding carcasses they bring in from outside! Ugh! I think you should start off with something small, say a goldfish.

Wynne

Dating in Washington

Dear Wynne,
I've been seeing this guy for the last 7 years and he still gets the heebee jeebees when I even try to bring up marriage. A few years ago, he gave me a 'promise ring'. Now he's asking me to move with him from Washington where all my family is to Arizona. Is this a good sign that he wants me around?

Dating in Washington
Washington, DC


Dear Washington,
If you love him, keep him. If you don't, leave him. Ever see the movie "Clue"? Men should be like Kleenex - soft, strong, and disposable.

Wynne

Feeling Used

Dear Wynne,
I think my girlfriend is using me. Yes, I'm a fairly wealthy, average looking bloke, but I think she's with me only for my money. I'm normally not a jealous person, but I see the way guys look at her, and then hear comments about "Why is she with him?" and it makes me uncomfortable. I truly love my girlfriend but am afraid that if I tighten the purse strings she will pull-away and seek "comfort" elsewhere. What should I do?

Feeling Used
Cincinnati, OH


Dear Used,
Your girlfriend goes home with you? Sleeps with you? The sex is good? I'm sorry...what was the problem???

Wynne