Smokey Halloween

Dear Wynne,
For Halloween, I don't want to go to certain neighbors houses because they smoke. I don't want them breathing that garbage down my kids' throats and giving them emphysema. But I don't want to offend these neighbors if they see my kids out on the streets and not at their doors. What should I do?

Smoke-or-Treat,
Galveston, TX

Dear Smokey,
Well, if you don't trust that they won't be blowing smoke at your kids then don't go there. If they get offended then explain why. If they threaten to beat you up for not liking their habits, then call the cops. Problem solved, really.

Wynne

Are You Hot?

Dear Wynne,
I think that I need to tell my husband about my crush on a certain actor. He's always telling me about who he thinks is hot. Like the other day, he reminded me that Carrie Underwood was looking good in that video of hers. Should I take it as an insult? Or should I really tell him that I think Robert Pattinson is dreamy? I've mentioned stuff like that before and he's always gotten angry.

Seeking Equality
Nashville, TN

Dear Equality,
Yes, Carrie has fans. Yes Robert has fans. If you think your husband's going to go all ninja on you for thinking some Twilight guy is hot, then you've got more to worry about than not. Remind him of the fact that Carrie is hot in his world and that he can dream on if he thinks he's gonna get it on with her. And if he still argues with you, let him know that he can dream on getting it on with you.

Wynne

P.S. Is there a Twilight obsession around here lately?

Bottle vs. Cup

Dear Wynne,
My brother and his wife have an adorable 4-year old daughter. She is very smart and is looking forward to attending kindergarten next year. They are very devoted parents and obviously love their my niece very much, but there is one aspect of how they raise her that has drawn numerous stares and questions from friends and other family members. My niece is still bottle-fed. She can drink out of a cup when prompted to do so, but almost always asks for a bottle instead. She does not have any physical or mental limitations that would prevent her from using cups and just prefers the bottle. Because of that my brother doesn't want to force her into using a device she doesn't feel she is ready to use. I have brought up this topic to my brother and sister-in-law a couple times in the past only to be chastised for not being a parent and thus not knowing anything about how to raise a child. Should I let the subject drop or encourage them to seek out assistance?

Aunt, not Mom
Memphis, TN


Dear Aunt,
Please please please convince your brother that a 4-year old should NOT be drinking out of a bottle. Perhaps you should even write to Intervention on AMC and convince them to let your family on the show. Imagine the horror your niece will face when everyone pulls out their Snoopy lunchboxes at school and cracks open the matching thermos when she sucks on a bottle. Or maybe do nothing. The kids at school will ridicule her into wanting to change. But then again, that bottle story will haunt her all through school...your call.

Wynne

What not to ask your date

Dear Wynne,
Whenever I go on a first date I always find myself so nervous and backed-up internally that I must pass gas to relieve the stress and um...pressure. On several occasions I have let one rip but managed to maintain a sense of normalcy. In a restaurant there are usually enough other smells floating around to mask my, um...odor. But more often than not the woman notices and asks me point blank if I just farted. Sometimes I lie but sometimes I ask her if she farts. Not just in public, but ever. The question usually gets laughed off and swept under the rug and the date continues. However, when I call the woman for a 2nd date my messages are never returned. What am I doing wrong?

Baffled by Women
Centerbrook, CT


Dear Baffled,
While on your date, did you mention to the woman that the dress she wore made her butt look big? Did you tell her she wore too much make-up and look like a whore? If you answered yes to either of those questions I'm amazed at all that you could find a woman to go out with you once. I bet you're bald and have a unibrow too.

Wynne

Potty Piddler

Dear Wynne,

Several times I've gone into our shared restroom at work (one stall) and had to clean urine spray/dribbles off the seat. Several of us at the office have complained to management about this task and have even posted signs in the stall asking users to sit/aim accurately and to clean-up after mishaps. The success of these notices has been dismal. Any advice on how to conquer the dribbler?

Urine not Mine
Fargo, ND


Dear Urine,

Perhaps your colleagues need to take a trip to daycare or even preschool. Obviously they have never learned both potty training and proper hygiene. I bet these people are also chronic non-flushers! Perhaps you should buy a bottle of deer urine (available at most hunting/sporting good stores) and pour it around their office. Maybe that will help get the point across. In the meantime, please please please wash your hands thoroughly and still...don't touch me.

Wynne

Costume Problems

Dear Wynne,

My girlfriend wants me to dress up with her for Halloween. I haven't dressed up for Halloween for a long time and don't really care about it. We've only been dating a few months and want to take our relationship slow after being hurt by my past three girlfriends. I really am not into couple things yet, we haven't even done it yet. What do I tell her not to hurt her feelings?

Not Yet Ready
Calabasas, CA

Dear Not Yet,

Can you say 'yet' anymore dude? I mean, seriously if you want to do it eventually, then get in the Raggedy Andy outfit and quit your whining. If you don't, quit saying yet or she'll be saying "this relationship isn't over, yet."

Wynne

Cult Courting

Dear Wynne,
I'm dating this girl who insists that if I want our relationship to progress I must attend church with her. Most people probably don't have any qualms with making this type of sacrifice, but my girlfriend does not belong to a mainstream religion. In fact, I would categorize it more closer to a cult. I did go to one "service" and was practically publicly ousted in front of the entire group for not participating in their rituals. They don't sacrifice animals or anything that heinous, but I'm not comfortable joining-in in something I do not agree with. What should I do? I really like this girl.

Not in a Cult
Rigby, ID


Dear Cult,
A couple things first - you did not say how long you have been seeing this girl and what beliefs, if any, you cherish. So, if it's a new relationship lose the girl. I'm sure you can find someone with whom you are a bit more compatible. If you've been with the girlfriend for a while now, why the hell has this not been an issue before? Something must have snapped. Perhaps you should make your own ultimatum, or maybe even make-up your own religion for her to adhere to. Let's see how well that blows over.

Wynne

Wrong Trousers

Dear Wynne,
My teenage daughter wants to be a bunny rabbit for Halloween. When I returned from the store, my husband informed me that the costume I had purchased her is actually a playboy bunny costume. Should I return it?

Don't Want My Daughter To Look Like a Whore
Fairfield, CT

Dear Don't Want,
First, I'd almost be more concerned as to why your husband is able to so accurately able to identify a playboy bunny outfit. I suggest a strong cleaning under the bed or in his closet while he's at work, just in case. Second, why are you even shopping for your daughter's Halloween costume? When I was in high school, if your mom or dad bought your costume without you there, then you deserved to look ridiculous. If your daughter were 8 or 9 then I'd understand. Really? You went all by yourself and bought your daughter a costume that may get her embarrassed all because she was too lazy to do it herself? You deserve mom of the year for that.

Wynne

Figaro

Dear Wynne,
My wife wants me to take her to an opera this Sunday and I really don't want to go. How do I get out of it?

Bored to Tears
Pueblo, CO

Dear Bored,
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Oh, yeah, what? Opera? Doesn't she realize that it's football and world series season? Does she not understand that the basketball preseason has begun? No? Does your cell have internet? Most guys would probably be checking updates for the latest scores and probably texting their friends. If not, bring your Mp3 player and listen to some 311 or All-American Rejects. Even 80s music may be preferred to you. Or, you could try to be sensitive and pay attention to the opera. That's probably what a man would've done in the 17th century. Too old school for you?

Wynne

Welcome to the Birdcage

Dear Wynne,
Yesterday I forgot to grab my lunch on my way to the office. I don't work far from home, so on my first available break I drove home to get it. When I got home I was shocked to hear music playing loudly and made out the sound of my husband's off-key voice. My first thought was "Why the hell is my husband home when he too should be at work?" I turned into the living room and saw my husband in full drag, dancing and singing to a Beyonce music video. By full drag I mean, thong, mini-skirt, mid-drift, push-up bra, fish net stockings, high heels, and of course...a blond wig. I was so flabbergasted I stumbled over my words, and ran back out to my car (leaving my lunch still on the kitchen counter). What do I do now? I am beyond shocked at my husband' behavior/fetish and, honestly am very disgusted. What should I do???

Married to a Mystery
Sioux Falls, SD


Dear Married,
I'd say embrace the new found side of your husband. Not only do you have a man you love living with you, but you have also just acquired a new gal pal. Time to plan a spa day and some shopping!

Wynne

Pens Gone MIA

Dear Wynne,
It really bothers me at work when people steal my pens. They're not fancy, just your average Bic. But they write very nicely. I do not steal other people's pens, and generally bring one around with me should I think writing will be essential. How do you suggest I keep my pens safe and sound in my office and not wondering around on the desks of my fellow colleagues?

That's My Pen
Juneau, AK


Dear Pen,
May I suggest a pocket protector in which you may collect all your favorite pens right on the front of your shirt? Or perhaps you should invest in those pens on chains, like they have at the bank. But that may impede your ability to travel with your favorite Bic. However, in reality perhaps you should just get over it! These pens cost a dime a dozen and I doubt you actually pay for them out of your own pocket. You could always get even and steal the fancier pens off the CEO's desk...I'm sure he wouldn't even notice they were gone. And if he did, I highly doubt he would whine to me about it.

Wynne

Who Are You?

Dear Wynne,
Dude, I'm totally confused by who you are. I am trying to figure it out. Sometimes, I think you're a guy. Other times, you're a chick. Who are you?

One Confused Boy
St Louis, MO


Dear Confused,
Why? Do you want to go out with me if I'm a girl? Do you want to go out with me if I'm a guy? Either way, don't matter, I'm taken.

Wynne

Trees

Dear Wynne,
My friend wants me to join her on this "I Love Nature" expedition, or whatever the thing is called. It sounds like a bunch of tree hugger stuff that really bugs me. I'm not anti-environment, but I don't see a reason to go out of my way to save the environment. I'm not a believer in global warming. I don't understand the whole 'going green' thing. But I really like this girl and want to impress her. But going on this expedition sounds like the Green Party's way of 'spreading the green word' to more environmental enthusiasts. Should I even bother?

Not Willing to Hug a Tree
Alameda, CA

Dear Not Willing,
I think you've answered this question yourself. Sounds like you need to just say, "Hey, I really like you, but I don't intend to be a tree hugger, ever. And you're never going to convert me to it either." If she leaves you, good riddance. Bleh!

Wynne

Questions for a Runner

Dear Wynne,
I've decided that I'm going to run a marathon. There's one in December that I'm looking at doing. Do you think I can do it?

Wanna Run
Jacksonville, FL

Dear Wanna,
I've decided that I'm going to answer your questions with questions, ok? Are you fat? Do you roll more than run? Are you a stick with no fat anywhere on your body? Are people afraid you're going to fall over when it's too windy? Do you have a death wish? Do you even like to run? Are you doing this to impress some chick? Would she even be impressed? Are you doing this to prove something to someone? Will it be proven?

Wynne

Singing Psycho

Dear Wynne,
I think my co-worker has either multiple personality disorders or is schizophrenic. She doesn't think so. But she makes me really uncomfortable sometimes when she's talking to herself. When I ask if she says something she normally responds with, "No, just muttering to myself." What do I do?

Scared of Co-Worker
Nashville, TN

Dear Scared,
Well, seeing as how you're in the country capital of the world, you should just sing a song about it. Make millions and quit.

Wynne

Pointless or Blonde?

Dear Wynne,
My name is (removed for confidentiality). I really like your blog. It's a lot of fun to read. I really think you should have like your own talk show or newspaper column or something. You make me and my friends laugh all the time. Thanks so much.

(Removed for confidentiality)
Laguna Beach, CA

Dear Removed,
Thanks for not giving a question. Why are you writing me? That was pretty much pointless. I know how cool and awesome this blog is. Although I enjoy the puffery, it'd be nice to have a question. Oh, and I had to leave your grammar error in there to point out for my friends. The English teacher's red ink on this email would say, "You make my friends and me laugh..." Seriously, too much bleach or sun down there in Laguna Beach?

Wynne

Frickin' Cold

Dear Wynne,
What am I supposed to do? I've been looking at my weather forecast and discovered that it's going to just stay cold and get worse. What do you think I should do to warm up?

Frickin' Cold
Coeur D'Alene, ID

Dear Frickin',
I vote you either deal with it, seeing as how it's probably your fault you're still in one of the most northern cities in the U.S. I think that the Chargers, Jaguars, Texans, Buccaneers, and Dolphins all need more fans. Either that or find some hot body to get next to and stay there all cold winter long. Oh, and don't worry, global warming is coming soon.

Wynne

Re: Danger Zone

Dear Wynne,
I wanted to comment on the mum worried about her son playing football. She should enroll her son in a true sport match - rugby! We don't dumb-down our sports by adding pads and helmets. Sure, we have our fair share of injuries but statistically American football players recieve more medical attention and have more serious injuries than ruggers. Rugby is thereby not only safer, but a sport a man (and his mum) can be proud to join.

Proud Rugger Mum
Salt Lake City, UT


Dear Rugger,
Well said. There you go "Mom", take your kid out of the pussified American sports and sign him up for rugby. What's a concussion when you can have a broken nose or snapped Achilles tendon?

Wynne

[For the record, Wynne enjoys both rugby and American football]

Rocktober is Over

Dear Wynne,
I've been feeling so lost since the Rockies lost to the Phillies. I have no idea who to root for in the playoffs. Should I root for the team that kicked them out of the playoffs or for their division rival, the L.A. Dodgers? I'm so confused.

No More Rocktober
Aurora, CO


Dear No More,
One word: DODGERS!!!

Wynne

Danger Zone

Dear Wynne,
My 14-year old son wants to play high school football next year. He's got some older friends who play for our local team, but I'm afraid he'll get hurt. One of his friends came home from practice with a broken ankle one day. This boy's mom is going to let her son play again next year. That's ridiculous. I've heard stories of kids dying and getting reconstructive knee surgery all through the news. And my son still wants to play. How do I get him to not want to play?

Worrying Mother
De Soto, TX

Dear Mom,
Yeah, I'll just call you 'Mom'. First of all. Nagging him will only make him want to play more. Duh! Also, what's wrong with you? You're like the person who reads the warning label on a bottle of Tylenol and says, "Oh no, I'm going to get all these side effects taking these." Seriously, those stories are few and far between. If you look at the number of high schools have a football team in America and the number of teenage boys playing football, you will discover that the likelihood that your son ends up with a broken shoulder or something is a lot lower than you are worrying about. If it's your boy's dream to play, let him play. What if your mom said, "I don't want you to be a mom. I think it's the worst decision for you ever. Babies cry, poop, and worry you like crazy. It's not something you should do"? Would you still have done it? More moms out there need to answer that question more often.

Wynne

Polar Opposites

Dear Wynne,
I have a friend, my current college roommate, who has decided that she needs some extra money and has decided to work for a bar that has (I'm trying to not be blunt) poles for people to dance with. She says that she loves dancing and they'll pay her well, the only problem, she has nothing to show the perverts that go there. As in, there's no rack to look at. Now, I don't agree with what she's doing, but I'm afraid she'll get booed off the stage for not being pretty enough. What do I tell her?

Concerned Friend
Reno, NV

Dear Concerned,
First of all, men that go to those things all have one thing in common, besides the obvious. If it has boobs and legs and can breathe, they're all over it like hot fudge over ice cream. It doesn't matter one iota if your friend's got a decent rack. The good thing is, she's probably pretty safe. Implants will only make her more vulnerable to attacks, so don't suggest those. After a while, maybe she'll hit her head on a pole and get some common sense to go to school and find a real job. It's frickin' Reno, she can't be a cocktail waitress? I've seen ugly ones in Vegas, no reason Reno can't have any.

Wynne

Musical Interlude

Dear Wynne,
I love classical music, especially pieces performed on a harpsichord. Do you know why more people, especially modernly, do not use such a delectable sounding instrument?

Classic Concerto
Rumford, ME


Dear Classic,
There's this instrument called the piano (pee-ah-no). Ever heard of it? It was invented after the harpsichord and basically found to be far superior. Plus, not to mention Rock-N-Roll would basically suck if your Les Paul was accompanied by the vibrating pings of a wannabee keyboard.

Wynne

Reporting Again

Dear Wynne,
My boss keeps hounding me for a report that I already gave him two week's ago, and again last week. But he keeps acting like I haven't given it to him and is getting irritated at me. What should I do?

Working Uphill
York, PA

Dear Uphill,
Did you mean Scranton, PA? Is your name Pam? Anyway, the best thing to do would be to print about thirty copies of every report he asks you for. That way you can hand him one each time he asks for it. Plus, when he asks how you can help the company lower its costs, tell him to take email reports and schedule your computer to send them once daily until he quits bugging you for it.

Wynne

More Parents In The Way

Dear Wynne,
My parents have always been wonderful. My dad was a lawyer and provided well for me and my siblings. My mom was very doting and has great admiration for her son-in-law and daughter-in-law. The problem is that I'm the youngest and my mom doesn't approve of my girlfriend, someone I'd like to marry. She says, "My son deserves better than her." The thing is, my girlfriend comes from a small town and her mom and dad both worked hard all their lives. I admire my girlfriend's worth ethic. She's been a nanny for the last few years for a neighbor and my mom looks at her as if she's the help. The truth is, that my mother ignores, is that my girlfriend is going to school to become a doctor, an M.D. at that. Should I listen to my mom and leave my girlfriend for someone my mom approves of?

In Love With The Supposed Wrong Girl
New Britain, CT

Dear In Love,
First of all, couldn't you come up with a better name than that to sign for me? Seriously? Are you like Paul Rudd in that one movie? Oversensitive. Oh, your question. What should you tell Mom? Tell her to mind her (all expletives preferred) business. Tell her that wealth and fortune mean nothing, especially in this 21st century. Ask her if she grew up with all the money in the world. And if money matters to her, show her a chart with your girlfriend's earning potentials. Perhaps the dollars would make more sense for her. If your mom convinces you to leave your girlfriend then apparently you need a backbone, a reality check, and the silver spoon taken out of your mouth.

Wynne

Bring in the Clowns

Dear Wynne,
Growing up I have always been deathly afraid of clowns. I don't know what spurred on this irrational fear, but it's something I've managed to repress...until now. My son is about to turn 6-years old and he wants to have a clown at his birthday party. My wife is all for this act of celebration despite my protests. She does not know that clowns make me want to curl-up into the fetal position in a dark closet somewhere. How can I convince her and our son that he really doesn't need a clown at his birthday party?

Creeped out by Clowns
Disney, OK


Dear Creeped,
You live in Disney and you're afraid of clowns? You're a grown adult who managed to find a wife and have a child AND you're afraid of clowns? Let the kid have his shenanigan! Just because you're not man enough to face some guy wearing way too much make-up and flowers that squirt is no reason why your son and his friends can't laugh until they pee their 6-year old pants. Trust me when I tell you that watching a clown make balloon animals will be a lot less frightening than seeing daddy suck is thumb in the corner.

Wynne

Bean Counting is For (You Decide)

Dear Wynne,
I'm an accountant with a small business that will help me get either my CMA or CPA. I really don't know which is better. Do you?

Number Cruncher
Cypress, TX

Dear Cruncher,
CMA? CPA? Complete Moronic Associate vs Complete Pathetic Associate? Well, a moron vs someone that's pathetic? So hard to decide. I guess flipping a coin would remind you that I have no idea what you're talking about.

Wynne

Baby Names

Dear Wynne,
My wife and I are expecting our first child. She keeps coming up with these obscure names like those that celebrities give their poor children. I always make fun of those poor kids and don't want my kid to have that ridiculous stigma.

Concerned Papa-to-be
Centerville, FL

Dear Concerned,
First of all, this is karma's way of saying "Bwahahahahahahaha!" Those poor children already have enough to worry about. Now, when it comes to your own kids. If your wife wants to name them something ridiculously outlandish maybe you should try and find an even more out-there name that she would absolute hate and make her really worry about who's raising her child. Let's see, food items should accomplish this. Like: Beef Jerky, Jelly Doughnut, Peanut Butter, Margarine, or Ho-ho. That last one is sure to do the trick.

Wynne

Life Ruining Jerks

Dear Wynne,
I've been dealing with a lot of depression lately. My husband left me for another woman who he'd been cheating with for a few months before our separation. I'm just feeling alone. I really shouldn't feel like this at 25. Really, sometimes I just want to die. Any words of advice?

Down and Out
Bellevue, WA

Dear Down,
Any words of advice? No. Any words of encouragement? Probably not. Any words to make your day? Maybe...let's see. Obviously your husband is some floosey chasin' jerk that deserves a divorce every five years for being a flat out jerk and giving the entire male race a bad name. Be happy that your ex-husband will never be satisfied with life. He'll be one of those perverted 60 year olds that thinks he can get any 20-something sweater he wants. More than likely, by that time you'll be happy at that time. I give you full permission to start pointing and laughing at him. And when you are married and have your first child, make sure you run into your ex-mother-in-law somewhere so she can see that she raised her son poorly. Then she'll get to yell in his ear, "Did you know that your ex has the cutest baby I've ever seen? Why is it all you do is get divorces? You've got the biggest collection of them and not one child!" That sounds so sweet to my ear.

Wynne

Blogging Rights

Dear Wynne,
My mother has created a blog concerning whatever is going on in her life, along with the lives of her four children. We're all adults and she all wants us to post something weekly. She's gotten mad at me and my younger sister for not blogging at all over the past month that this has been going on. Even though I call my mom and let her know what's going on in my life and I tell my sisters everything that's going on in phone calls as well. How do I tell her that I don't care to post what my kids, my husband, and I are doing all the time?

Distraught Daughter
Teays Valley, West Virginia

Dear Distraught,
I'd just post something like, "Kids are alive. Hubby's working. I'm at home drinking myself silly." See if that gets her to stop bugging you. If not, I'd post it in bad grammar and add something about a poolboy.

Wynne

No Mountain Ranges

Dear Wynne,
There's a guy at work who adds the tag line "Be the mountain" to the end of every email he sends. It has nothing to do with the organization for which we work. What the hell does that line even mean?

Annoyed by Mountains
Tallahassee, FL


Dear Annoyed,
It means your colleague has no friends, no life and no way of ever actually being important. He probably is compensating. Be thankful that whatever tag line you use is SO much better and easily understood.

Wynne

Wear This, Not That

Dear Wynne,
I pay attention to fashion. I pay attention to current social trends. I take this information and pass it along to the masses with my Twitter and YouTube posts. Yet, everytime I go outside I am confounded by how people dress and act in public; I don't think I'm getting through to them. Any ideas on how I can be more proactive and make my cause known?

Dressed for Success
Malibu, CA


Dear Dressed,
You're gay, aren't you?

Wynne